Tripodism

Last night was the Fall season Intramural Tripod Hockey Championships. In case it isn’t obvious, this is a big deal. Tripod Hockey is constantly referenced at Tuck, but last night marked Dan’s and my first direct involvement with the league.

Our reasons for avoiding the hockey craze (or rather, my reasons for both of us avoiding the hockey craze) are as follows:

For Dan:
1. Dan has no hockey background and, to my knowledge, hasn’t ice-skated since high school (and even then it was only an excuse to hold hands with girls. Just saying.)
2. Dan is super competitive.
3. For anyone who has ever seen Dan play intramural softball, he enjoys sliding, diving, and basically upping the ante on anything physical. And that’s softball.
Add these reasons together and I think it’s clear that Dan would never make it through a season of hockey without breaking some major bone. Possibly more than one.

My reasons?
1. Have you seen me walk? I can barely manage a straight line when sober.
2. Have you seen me in heels? (I’m guessing no because I never wear them.)
3. I lack balance, hand-eye coordination, speed, agility, and the ability to laugh at myself when I (inevitably) humiliate myself on the ice.
So no hockey for me.
Also, on a completely prosaic note, hockey is multiple times a week at bizarre hours (midnight, 11:30pm) and some of us have jobs that start at 8:30 am. If Dan played I might never see him. If I played I might never sleep. And I'm cranky without sleep.

Which brings us back to the Fall Tripod Championships, the showdown between the Hollywood Hardbodies and the India Queens. I should probably mention that the Tripod hockey teams are named after Hanover bars. The girls league features 80s girl-power shows (Team She-Ra, Jem, the Rainbow Brites, etc.)

We knew players on both sides of course, but shortly after our arrival we were joined by Joelle, whose boyfriend Rob is on the Hardbodies, so we sided with them. I don’t have much hockey-watching experience, and it’s been ages since I’ve set foot in a rink so my first surprise was how cold it was. I mean, obviously I knew there’d be ice. But it was colder inside than outside. Fortunately I remedied this problem by purchasing my very own Tuck-logoed Snuggie.

(A quick aside and shout out to Tuck Stuff, the Tuck-themed apparel and accessories store. No surprise that a b-school has creative, innovative entrepreneurs, but still. This year alone we’ve seen the totally awesome “Business College” t-shirt – reminiscent of the famed John Belushi “College” shirts, the “Cheers” style Tuck tee (because here everyone networks until they know your name.) We’ve seen Simon Pearce glasswork with Tuck insignia. And now, Snuggies… and an entire line of hockey-themed shirts and sweats, conveniently located AT the hockey rink. Tuck Stuff, you are brilliant.)

So I’m Snuggied-up and ready to watch some hockey. The event is well-attended and well-choreographed. I’m told regular games are a bit more low key, but Tuckies know how to go all out. The teams warmed up to “Party in the USA.” (Side note: Someone at Tuck is clearly a deranged Miley Cyrus fan. Love her or hate her, “Party in the USA” does not need to played six times during one Fall Formal. Nor should it be played on repeat at a hockey game.) Fortunately, the music improved as the game progressed, because yes, they had music for every break, every icing call, every penalty.

The commentator was hilarious too. I kind of wish I knew who he was. My favorite quote: “Take off your pants and get down to business.” This was directed at the hockey players.

Before the game began the teams lined up for the National Anthems. Canada went first, but I preferred the Boyz-2-Men-esque rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, sung by a talented (?) Tuckie. Actually it was pretty impressive.

The stands were packed, too. Alcohol is not allowed in the arena, so the Tuckies brought in beers and hid them in their gloves. And I wonder why at work these adult b-school students are constantly referred to as “the kids.” But actually it was kind of clever and so cold in the rink that I kind of wish we’d brought a flask too.

Now if I ever had second thoughts about “letting” Dan play hockey, 30 seconds of this game was more than enough to remind me why he shouldn’t. Tripod Hockey is so named because it is (allegedly) for beginners, people who need two legs plus the hockey stick to stand on skates. That sounds well and good, but it turned out to be totally false. I realize these were the championship teams, and I’m told they sideline the bad players come playoff season, but they were good. They could skate. Some of them could really skate.

It turns out Rob can really skate. He was a star, with two shorthand goals for the Hardbodies.

Random Tuckie: “Joelle, did Rob play hockey in college?”
Joelle: “No. He’s just from Minnesota.”

Unfortunately the Hardbodies were down by one with 3 minutes left in regulation (Period 3) and by this point my hands were so numb all I could think was please do not let this game go into overtime. Fortunately, the crowd shared my opinion and brilliantly demanded that the Hardbodies “pull their goalie.” It should be clear that for all the Bostonites and the Minnesota-born hockey players like Rob, the average Tuckie has even less hockey knowledge than I have, which is really saying something. But “pulling the goalie” SOUNDS like a brilliant, bold move to make. I believe they did it in the “Mighty Ducks.” So it must be a smart move. (Although I recently learned that “Flying V” is not an accepted hockey move. Does no one else find this devastating?)

The Hardbodies weren’t fooled, but they indulged us anyway, pulled their goalie and… the India Queens scored again. The Hardbodies should have remembered that Rob only scores goals when they’re shorthanded.

The game ended 5-3, the India Queens are Fall Tripod Champions, and Dan and I can check off one more “New Hampshire” experience.

Are we surprised that Dan wants to play this winter?